Reported by Diane Weathersby
It’s that Helmetball time of year again and I’d be remiss if I didn’t scour the planet to find you all the Helmetball facts1 and fantasies2 that will enrich your viewing experience and help you ace your AP History exam.
It is said that mathematics was discovered and invented and Helmetball is no different. Humans discovered the universal truth that is Helmetball centuries ago. But this version of Helmetball was much different from what we recognize Helmetball to be today. In ancient Helmetball games, players would rock, paper, scissors for the kickoff. Today, they flip a coin. It’s incredible to think about how the game has evolved!
Not only have crucial game innovations such as the coin flip been introduced, but the audience has adapted as well. In ancient times, the audience was not allowed to perceive the Helmetball. That was a privilege reserved for just the players. The audience could look at the air around the Helmetball and how the players reacted to the Helmetball but they had to stop their brains from seeing the actual ball! This all changed some 400 years ago when visions of the Helmetball overtook the dreams of the entire populace and they were granted the ability to perceive the ball. Today’s audience is very lucky to have inherited that ability from their forebearers.
As many of you know, the Internetional Helmetball League is celebrating their tenth season this year. Even though the game has been played, passed down, banned at different times in history for different reasons3, and played again, it was difficult to get enough teams to agree on the same rules and play together. They finally reached an agreement in 2010 when everyone realized how much money they could make and suddenly everyone knew how to compromise. And a league was born.
The storied past of the game and the league itself is nothing compared to the induction of the physical, actual Helmetball as we know it today. Here’s some fast facts for you to wow your neighbors with as you shout them out your window at 2 a.m. mountain standard time.
- There is only one Helmetball used in the Helmetball league. This Helmetball has been kissed by a squirrel next to the ocean at sunset and is very special to the commissioner who isn’t a squirrel but would so desperately love to be.
- The Helmetball teleports from game to game in an instant in between plays to allow games to be played simultaneously. This results in it becoming very warm and is why the players wear gloves.
- In 2014, Rusty Ronda Rat Redeemer III became the first person to complete a touchdown while doing a handstand4. She celebrated the touchdown by carrying the ball while maintaining the handstand and saying “Na nana boo boo” to the other team. They were properly shamed.
- The last time a Helmetball league game was played was the last game of the previous Helmetball season. Neat!
- Ouch! I have four, very painful mosquito bites. Wait. This one might be a fly bite. That’s why it hurts so much.
- The IHL players’ union formed in 2011 and greatly aided players during contract negotiations. In the first season, it became precedent for players to have to sell concessions before the games and during halftime. The union fought to get them selling concessions after the game too! The players love selling concessions. “Cheeeeeese,” one player is reported to have said.
- Helmetball is a strenuous game and thus the players must nourish properly. The official nourishment of choice is eggs. As soon as a player touches the Helmetball, they crave eggs. If they don’t eat enough, they find themselves sleepwalking to get their fill. The players make sure to nourish before bed lest they wake up in the midst of ingesting a dozen raw eggs.
And that’s all the facts5 I’m legally allowed to give you at one time. With this I say goodbye and bid you good tidings going into the Helmetball season. I hope that your team specifically makes it to the Superb Bowl and that you celebrate good-naturedly by shipping crates of sharp cheddar to me, Diane Weathersby, in traditional Helmetball celebratory fashion. (That one was a little joke-ski. You don’t have to ship me cheese. Though it is highly encouraged. That’d be like, so cool of you.)
- Facts include, but not limited to: actual facts, half truths, lies, stories, hallucinations, wishful thinking, legends, dreams, meat induced sweating, panicked breathing, one whole tomato, and chocolate eclairs
- See ‘facts’
- Banned because: too rough, not rough enough, too much helmet, not enough ball, a king was bad at helmetball so he didn’t let anyone play, there was an egg shortage and they had to be rationed
- The League quickly introduced a rule for how long a players’ hands can consecutively be on the ground without their feet thus Rusty Rhonda Rat Redeemer III is also the only player that will ever accomplish this feat.
- See footnote #1